Peaceful Conflict Resolution By: Sarah Weber, Upper Elementary Guide

“[The child] must have contact with an adult who is familiar with the laws governing their life and who does not get in their way by overprotecting them, by dictating their activities, or by forcing them to act without taking their needs into account.” - Dr. Maria Montessori, Education and Peace

Because we are social creatures, conflict is inevitable. Conflict exists, at times, in all relationships. Our goal is not to avoid the conflict itself, but to engage in a process of peaceful resolution when conflict occurs. In order to support children in peaceful conflict resolution, we must first understand our supporting role as an adult in their lives. It is our responsibility to create a loving space to offer opportunities to use this technique and to model the process in our own relationships.

Peaceful conflict resolution is not about creating perfect relationships. It is about learning how to navigate each relationship and choose which relationships you want to foster and grow. It is a skill that can be used in all relationships for all ages

Peaceful conflict resolution invites children to focus on the facts of an event or an experience. Modeling the threads of nonviolent communication, it asks: what happened? What are the facts of the event that all parties agree on? After discussing what happened, children should be invited to reflect on how the events made them feel. Remind them that their feelings are valid. Using a prepared list of values/needs, children can then deepen their reflection and explore why they feel the way they feel. It is important to note here that children will not always know how they are feeling. Avoid forcing them to choose and acknowledge that it's okay if they don't yet know how they're feeling and/or why they're feeling a certain way. Knowing they have a compassionate space to express themselves is our goal. It is up to them how they use that space.

Peaceful conflict resolution is not about forcing a child to apologize. It is simply and firmly about acknowledging events and reflecting on the emotions and values that were experienced as a result. We focus on creating a space to be heard. Depending on the child’s maturity and understanding, this process can be facilitated with the support of a trusted adult, or a child may use these skills on their own. The focus always remains on the facts and the process, remembering that we have control only over ourselves and not on how someone chooses to respond to how we're feeling or how we've been affected.

. Remember, peaceful conflict resolution offers a skill set for navigating relationships. Preparing for inevitable conflicts with a list of emotions and values/needs can help facilitate this process. Here is a feelings inventory and a needs inventory curated byThe Center for Nonviolent Communication. Allow children to choose two to three emotions and two to three values/needs to guide their understanding of self during a conflict. This will empower them to continue their journey as peacemakers.

“Most of our actions would have no reason for being if there were no other people around us, and we do most of the things we do because we live in association with others.” - Dr. Maria Montessori, Education and Peace Pg 56